Heaven Sucks

I hate to be the one to tell you this but heaven sucks.  I spent my whole life being good so I could get in here.  I went to church every week, only hung out with other good people, and hated anything I didn’t understand.  Now I’m in heaven and it blows.  For one, we’re constantly singing.  Constantly.  I can’t take it anymore.  There are way too many of us to figure out any type of  harmonies so it ends up just sounding terrifying.  And the light!  Have you ever hung out in a white room with the lights turned on as bright as can be?  I feel like I’m in a music video.  I can’t see anything.  I’ve always got those weird worm things flying across my eyes because of all the light.  Plus, this place is mostly just babies.  That might sound nice to some but I’m not a big fan of kids and being surrounded by them all the time can be a little creepy.  We get more and more babies everyday and they don’t age so they just keep piling up.  The worst part is that this is going to go on forever.  There is no end in sight.  I feel like I have been here for a million years already and it’s probably only been a day.  I’m just hoping there’s a cooler section of heaven somewhere that I haven’t found yet.  I daydream about finding a door that leads to another room covered in christmas lights with a huge leather couch in the center with all my friends sitting on it.  There’s a big frosted mug of root beer waiting for me and the Beach Boys are there playing with Bill Murray doing some guest vocals.  But none of that is real.  Maybe someday, if I’m really, really good, I’ll get to go there.  Until then I’m stuck in heaven.

Kings of Podcasting

Last week we were interviewed on The Comedy Nerds podcast. We talked about being in a two-man ground, FX (the movie), and dry humping. INTRIGUED? Find it on iTunes, or just go here:

Team Submarine on The Comedy Nerds Podcast

And thanks to Dustin and Dan for having us on and for officially making us the Kings of Podcasting. Seriously, has anybody been on more podcasts than us? You wish.

CATASTROPHIC

No one thought the post apocalyptic world would look like this.  Films and books had always portrayed a world ruled by martial law where survivors live in fear of barbarians.  Fire barrels.  Deserted highways.  Lots of leather for some reason.  No one could have predicted the fate that really came to be:  A WORLD RUN BY CATS!  No one expected that these cuddly little creatures would turn on us so violently.  They tore down our monuments, imprisoned those who defied them and burned all of our art and literature to the ground.  They took our dignity and destroyed our history.  I live a very humble life with my female companion here on the island of what was once known as manhattan (I have no idea if I’m pronouncing that correctly).  But we are not alone.  Two felines occupy our living quarters with an iron fist.  We are forced to clean up their excrement from a small rectangle of sand.  We must feed them whenever they beckon.   They dictate where my feet should be as I sleep.  But the most terrifying part is this:  On most evenings they just lay strewn across the floor in a most erotic way, just glaring at us.  It’s as if, just by living, we have somehow disappointed them.  Perhaps they are just amused by how easy it was to domesticate us.

If this message is successful in making it backwards in time, then remember this one thing: Spay and neuter your cats.  Please, the human race is depending on you.   This is not a joke.  This is our future.

Tips For Falling Asleep

Living in the city, sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep at night. What with all  the noise, the stress and the constant threat of panty-raids. But here are some exercises that may help put you to sleep.

Counting Sheep
Don’t count imaginary sheep – that’s stupid. And boring (total snorefest). Instead, count real sheep. Being in a city, I’ve got to walk at least fifty miles just to see one sheep (and that’s if I’m lucky). By the time you’ve counted 100 sheep, you’ll have walked thousands of miles and will literally collapse into a state of unconsciousness due to physical exhaustion.

Warm Milk
Try taking a glass of warm milk and pouring it onto the floor. Use sleep as an excuse not to clean it up.

Take Pills
Don’t actually swallow any pills. That’d be dangerous, illegal and cool. Instead, try physically taking pills from someone. In general, pills are expensive – and people who have them are usually very protective of them (AND/OR ADDICTED TO THEM). If you try taking their pills from them, they’ll undoubtedly erupt in a fit of rage and smash you over the head with something – rendering you unconscious for up to twelve hours.

Masturbation
It’s been scientifically proven that after masturbating, you’ll feel so hollow and gross that the only way to escape judgment from yourself is by going to sleep.

This is what you look like when you sleep, IDIOT.

Cool Runnings Reviews

“Cool Runnings is hot, hot, hot!”

“You’ll be Runnings back to the theater to see this one again!”

“Jamaican me wanna see this movie again!”

“‘Run‘ for the whole family!”

“One Cool film!”

“These are some hilarious Fastafarians!”

“Cool Runnings is Cool Funnings!”

“This film bobsledded its way into my heart.”

“I Want (John) Candy!”

“Cool Runnings will cure any case of the ‘Mon’ days.”

“A Home Runnings!”

Bottomless

A space pirate like me doesn’t have a very long life expectancy.  We don’t always have a clever way to escape a jam like in the comic books.  Lord Glare had set the perfect trap and I walked right into it. What I thought was your run of the mill strip club called “The Bottomless Pit” turned out to be an actual bottomless pit.   I’ve been falling for six weeks now I think.  I screamed for two days straight before I calmed down and realized that I might be falling for a long time so I best save my energy.  Then I just got bored.   I slept for a while and had that dream again where I show up to work in my underwear.  Why don’t I ever notice that I’m in my underwear on my way to work?  It’s always me getting to work and then being like “Oh, shit! Why didn’t I wear pants?  I stopped and talked to that guy on the street for like three minutes and he didn’t even say anything.  This is not like me!”   It’s a relief to wake up from a terrible dream like that even when you wake up to more falling.  Finally mastered going to the bathroom in mid air though.  The first time I tried it I just got a lot of stuff in my mouth and ended up throwing up a lot.  Getting hungry.  They always leave that part out.  The real enemy  in a bottomless pit is the hunger.   Every once and a while  I’ll pass another person who is also falling.  I try to skip all the polite stuff like “How bout this fall, huh?” and just skip to “ I must eat you to survive!”

So how does one keep a positive attitude when it’s clear that they will be descending into darkness for the rest of their life?  Well,  I don’t let it get me down.  So I got thrown down a bottomless pit, does that mean I have to stop living my life? Of course not,  I still have dreams after all! I’ve always wanted to be a real estate agent and I think there’s some real growth potential here in the bottomless pit (thinking about changing the name to Eternal Meadows.  Just sounds nicer).  Of course I mentioned the idea to another guy who was also falling and now he’s  going to start a real estate business too.   Whatever, competition is a good thing I guess.  I’m hoping to get a Target built here soon so we can attract some families to the bottomless pit and really give this place a neighborhood feel.  I don’t have the ability to pick where I live, but maybe I can help make it a better place.

Team Submarine Up In Them Internets

A couple quick things regarding our eventual Internet Takeover. First of, we (and by we I mean Steve) did a brief interview on The Sound of Young America’s blog. Nate couldn’t make it because he was too busy frenching hot babes (typical!) and getting cool haircuts (not so typical!) Read it here.

Also, a little while back we were interviewed on the The Comedy Nerds podcast. Hear that here or search “The Comedy Nerds” on iTunes.

(Artist’s rendition of how these interviews went down)

“Correctamundo!” Now Available as MP3 Download

For those of you who still haven’t purchased Team Submarine’s debut album Correctamundo!, you now have one less excuse. You can now purchase the album as an mp3 download and avoid those crazy shipping charges and unwieldy CD cases. Just point your browser here and click “Download Album.” Easy! And it’s still only $5!

And for you purists out there, you can still purchase the physical CD and get a limited edition Nate or Steve button and a hand-drawn piece of artwork. But hurry! Because supplies are running out very, very slowy!

Love Kindling

It seems like the only thing anybody cares about these days are Kindles and pornography. So as always, I figured I’d ca$$$$h in on this by combining literature and pornography. I swear this has never been done! Look for these titles coming soon (or should I say “coming suun”) to your Kindle:

Finally, A Video Game For Lazy People

Video games aren’t just for kids anymore. In fact, many adults now use them as an escape from the stress of their daily lives. But what about those who don’t do much of anything? The independently wealthy, the pot heads and the just plain lazy? Where’s their escape from the grips of procrastination and apathy? Introducing Productivity: The Game! This multi-player game allows you to inhabit a world where you can do all the things you put off doing in real life. Challenges include: paying your phone bill, going to the dentist, calling your mother, writing your congressman, balancing your checkbook and many, many more. The best part of Productivity: The Game is that it’s all in real time, which means the level where you help your friend move will take just as long as if you actually helped your friend move. Imagine the sense of accomplishment you will have once you beat the level that includes you finally reading The Kite Runner (actually we couldn’t get the rights to The Kite Runner so we created a reasonable facsimile called The Kite Jogger. You’ll love it!). Now you can finally hit the gym, apologize to an ex-girlfriend, and do some volunteer work all from the comfort of your own couch. Accomplish everything and enjoy the feeling of not being a loser… in the game, not in real life.