You’re All Wet! is now up at Funny or Die. If you have a spare minute, we’d really appreciate it if you’d vote it “Funny” on our FoD page. You don’t even have to sign up for anything! Easy! Thanks!

Team Magazine

Nate, Steve and a handful of other people who are more successful than us recently wrote some goofs for a piece in Time Out Chicago. We’ve put together this image that blocks out what everybody wrote except us:

(Click to enlarge)

But if you really want to read what everybody else wrote, you can do so on the Time Out Chicago website. That is, until we make an image that just blocks out what we wrote.

THRILL SEEKERZ!!

You may not know this, but I am a total adrenaline junkie. Seriously, I’ve blown dudes in alleyways for it and ruined most of my relationships because of it. Been in and out of rehab SIX times and still haven’t learned my lesson. But that’s beside the point! One of my favorite sources of getting that sweet adrenaline rush is hitting up amusement parks all summer. The only problem is, I’ve ridden so many roller coasters that they just don’t do it for me anymore. So I’ve come up with some new roller coasters of my own that are sure to give anybody that life-threatening rush.

THE FUTURE CRUSHER
It’s just like a normal roller coaster, except that when you get to the top, you receive a text message from your ex-girlfriend saying she hasn’t gotten her period since you broke up.

THE WRECKING BALL
On this coaster you only go at a moderate speed, but mid-ride you see an unattended toddler whose ball rolls into the street during rush our, and you’re stuck in your seat forced to helplessly watch as he runs after it.

BATMAN RIDE OF STEEL
This is very similar to Six Flags’ “Superman Ride of Steel” except that on your way back down, you have to decide between saving a politician who could change your crime-ridden city OR saving your one true love (there’s only enough time to save one!)

THE GLASS MENAGERIE
On this rickety coaster, a stranger holds a pitcher of urine above your head the entire time while constantly whispering into your ear “Do you trust me?”

THE LIFE TAKER
Not actually a coaster, just a room where you are forced to fight another human being to the death. WHAT A RUSH!

See you in line!

Sketchfest NYC – Tomorrow!

If you’re in New York, then be sure to check out Sketchfest NYC this weekend at UCB. We’ll be going up  on Thursday, June 11 at 8:00 PM along with the hilarious Kristen Schaal. And in between, there’ll be videos from Front Page Films. What’s not to like?!

Grand Slam Bunt

In my 43 years on earth I’ve come to realize that there are two kinds of people in this world: People who CAN bunt and people who CAN’T.  Well actually, I guess there are a couple of other types of people as well:  

• People who can “kinda” bunt
• People who bunted once by accident
• People who don’t believe in bunting
• People who are open to believing in bunting but need more proof
• People who use to bunt but don’t do it so much anymore since they had the baby
• People who don’t realize they can bunt but then when a ball is hurled at them, they just instinctually bunt -all Jason Bourne style
• People who still haven’t told their parents they bunt
• People who use to bunt every day but now it just makes them paranoid
• People who believe they bunted in another life
• People who secretly bunt in the bathroom stall on their lunch break
• People who are drunk and trying to say “Fuck Bunting” but it comes out “Butt Fucking” 
• People who are drunk and trying to say “Butt Fucking” and they mean “Butt Fucking”
• People who believe that bunting is actually less than 10,000 years old
• People in third world countries who have never even heard of bunting
• People who think bunting started to suck when they added that keyboardist
• People who don’t believe children should be allowed to bunt until they’re 36
• People who are bunting everyday in their own communities and don’t even realize it.  Big thanks to those folks!

That said, I still feel like you can filter all those people into either a “can bunt” or “can’t bunt” category.  I was on the train this morning looking at all the people and thinking about how the only thing that really separates us all is that some of us know how to gently tap our bats against a fast ball and some of us don’t.  I actually can’t bunt myself.  I’m a property manager for a few buildings in Wheaton, Il.  Doesn’t mean a guy can’t stare out the window and dream though, right?

Imagine That!

Every morning when I get off the train, I walk by this Imagine That poster. And every time I see it, I can’t help but think it looks like Eddie Murphy  just realized that the little girl on his back has a boner and he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

Seriously, why else would he be making that face? Is anybody else with me on this? Anybody?! Or am I just a creep? I’m a creep? Okay, just checking.

TWINIWT

There’s a lot you probably don’t know about twins.  For instance, you’ve probably heard that most identical twins speak to each other in their own language.  But did you know that the language they’re speaking in is usually just their best impression of Robert De Niro in the movie Analyze That.  It’s true.  Twins can usually sense when the other is in some kind of danger, even when they are in different locations.  They can also sense when the other twin lends a movie to a guy they barely know.  There have been documented cases of twins who have sensed the exact moment when the other wished he’d gone to the ATM earlier in the day before the bank gets too busy . . . even though they were standing in completely different places in their studio apartment.  Male twins can’t see each other’s shadow but they can tell when the other twins’ penis awkwardly slips out of their boxers while they’re in public.  It’s not like any one can tell because they’re still covered by their pants but it stills feels like you are out of you’re comfort zone, you know? Twins still aren’t allowed in Kentucky or Nevada.  Some twins are so identical that they can’t tell themselves apart.  If two twins were to kiss it would disprove the existence of God.  If one twin dies the other twin must always pretend to be them at parties by excusing themselves to go to the store and then reappear as their brother or sister.  When one twin falls asleep the other twin does as well.  That’s why they always call each other before they have to drive a car or go to the movies.  Twins get into all restaurants for free if they’re dressed alike.  When one twin is having sex, the other twin senses it and must high five the person they are closest to.  These are the facts.

Put Some Shorts On!

I think it’s safe to say that it’s officially summertime, and you know what that means…time to break out the shorts! Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LIVE for shorts. I don’t think shorts were created for summer, as much as summer was created for shorts (thanks, Big Guy!) Heck, I’d wear shorts all winter if my family didn’t have a history of incurable pneumonia. But enough about me, and more about SHORTS! I’ve recently started a line of pro-short shirts, because just sporting shorts on my lower body isn’t enough for me. I like most of my figure to somehow represent how much I love shorts. So here they are, being unveiled for the first time in history:

Powers-Man Saves The Day

HARDY!  I want Hugh Hardy in my office now!  What kind of reporter are you, Hugh?  Did you even see what just happened outside?  Powers-Man just saved a bus full of people from crashing into a trolley and you missed the whole damn thing!  Wake up, Hardy!  Why is it that every time Powers-Man shows up, you mysteriously disappear?  Are you afraid of actually getting a scoop?  Is it drugs? Honestly if it is, now is the time to tell me.  We can get you help.  Well, where the hell do you go all the time?  What?  You thought it was hot out today so you went to the ice cream parlor?!  You are some piece of work.  I betcha vanilla is your favorite flavor, huh Hardy?  My god, you are the complete opposite of Powers-Man in every way imaginable!  You have zero social skills and are a complete coward whereas Powers-Man is incredibly charismatic and very brave.  God bless you Powers-Man, where ever you are.

Then again, I’ve never noticed it before but you two actually share similar builds along with an intense sense of  justice.  In fact the two of you seem-Damn it Hardy, how did you manage to get your foot stuck in that paint can again!?   Watch out, your pant leg is on fire!  Not the fish tank! Wow Hardy,  you’re clumsiness is in direct proportion to Powers-Man’s courage.  You better go clean yourself up and get started on this bus story.   I only wish Powers-Man were here with me now so I could thank him for all the times he’s saved this fair city.  What do you mean “maybe I already have”?  Tell me four eyes, when have I thanked Powers-Man?  Huh? I’ve never met the man.  Why are you always talking so incredulously?  Whenever I say something like  ”And we owe it all to Powers-Man” you always do this thing where you’re smirking at nobody.  It’s creepy.  I don’t like it.  Speaking of creepy, I don’t want to catch you putting your pants on in the supply closet again.  I don’t know what you’re doing in there but it needs to stop.

The Monsters Of Classical Music Tour

Holy Shit!  Last night me and my buddy Jason went to the Monsters of Classical Music concert and it was insane!  On this reunion tour they got all my favorites composers together on one stage:  Bach, Mozart, Beethoven and towards the end of the night Tchaikovsky showed up unannounced and jammed out for a couple of symphonies.  I shit you not.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  The night started with Bach descending from the ceiling with huge fireballs exploding behind him.  When he landed on the stage he just smiled and said “I told you I’d be Bach” and then he just launched into the Brandenburg Concerto!  The crowd went nuts!  He must have felt the energy in the place because he climbed the scaffolding on the stage and composed like a wild man from 30 feet off the ground.  It’s pretty hard to top an opening act like that but luckily Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was up to the challenge.  There were no theatrics for this guy, just pure fucking classical music!  He barely talked between any of the compositions and believe me, there were a lot of compositions!  He played a medley of his best operas, did most of his Requiem and went on a 20 minute jam session in the middle of his Symphony in B flat, No. 55.  Some of the crowd was a little bummed that he played so much new stuff but I thought it was cool hearing what he’s been working on lately.  Can’t wait to track down the bootleg of the show so I can hear it again.

 Now the moment of truth had come, Beethoven was next.  The stage was completely dark and stayed that way for the first few minutes of  his Moonlight Sonata.  Then all at once, light flooded the place and there was Beethoven standing there in front of his orchestra.  He raised his head and yelled “I am The Hoven!” right as the the fucking clarinets began to swell.  What an entrance!  He blazed through all his greatest hits.  Some people requested some of his lesser known stuff but he just acted like he couldn’t hear them.  In the middle of his String Quartet No. 14 in C-sharp minor, opus 131 a guy jumped on stage and instead of having security remove the dude, Beethoven let the guy orchestrate the rest of the opus.  Once again, some of the crowd was annoyed because they didn’t spend $60 to see Joe Nobody lead the orchestra, but I thought it was cool and the guy was pretty good.  Then Beethoven thanked the crowd, said goodnight and left the stage.  Yeah right!  As if he was going to do a whole concert and not play his biggest single: Symphony No. 5.  So we stood there and chanted “Encore” for at least ten minutes before he finally came back out and played what we’d all been waiting for.  Bach and Mozart came out and helped out too and that’s when Tchaikovsky made his entrance as well.  All four of them with their backs turned to us just orchestrating the shit out that symphony.  The show was so good that I might drive out to Milwaukee tomorrow to see it again.  Plus I’d like to get one of those t-shirts that says “Bach’n'Roll” on it. 

Maximum Fun Pledge Drive

So have you still not purchased a copy of Correctamundo! yet?

Well, now there’s a more expensive, but far more worthwhile way of doing so. MaximumFun.org, the place that brings you such great podcasts as The Sound of Young America and Jordan, Jesse, Go! is having their annual pledge drive.  And if you donate a mere $10 (or more) a month, then you’ll get your pick from a list of great prizes, one of which is a copy of Team Submarine’s Correctamundo! Other better prizes include CDs and DVDs from Louis C.K., The Hold Steady, Mitch Hedburg, Marc Maron and plenty more.

So head on over to MaximumFun.org donate, donate, donate (three times, please).